Dear Britney: A Letter from Your Friends at Gossip Giants

Dear Britney,

I have to say your performance at tonight’s VMA’s really left me flabbergasted. If it hadn’t been for the jiggling flesh on your thighs and your stomach I might have fallen asleep. Of course, I wouldn’t have been alone because you looked like you were about to, as well. Your moves were…well, to be honest, did you move? I saw a slight sway and maybe one hop, skip, or jump but I wasn’t sure if that was my television or if you realized that you were on stage and suddenly felt the groove.

I was saddened by the fact that you couldn’t remember the words to lip synch to your own song. Of course, my mother provided laughs when she came in saying, “Who the hell wrote that piece of crap. She just keeps saying the same damn word over and over again.” I tried to defend you Britney. I told her there were two words, GIMME MORE, but she still said it sucked. Alas, I guess you cannot please everyone. However, I am truly glad that you tried.

I was expecting your weave to fall off with the random head bobs you made, but you managed to keep the wig tight and work it out in the end. Of course, you should rethink the rough fabric next time. After all, it is going on your head, and it looks like it could be flammable. You’re a star with a capital S Britney. Don’t go down like that!

At first, I thought it was just me. I said, “Ashtyn, you’re being too harsh. She’s trying. See. She’s right there on the stage. It’s obviously her. Who else would borrow clothes from a Las Vegas hooker to make sure they were on stage on time?”

Then I saw the crowd. They were just sitting there like trapped rats. It was like the prom scene in Carrie. If they had a little less restraint they looked as if they might jump up and claw at the walls to find an exit. I almost cried for you when 50 Cent looked confused as he watched you. It almost looked like he was wondering when you got a hold of Amy WInehouse’s horse tranquilizers. Diddy was watching too and from the looks of it he was preparing to sue anyone using those pictures of you and him together last night. I can’t blame him. I think after this performance I wouldn’t want to be seen with you either.

However, none of this was the most important thing to me. The magic was what I wanted to see. Where was the magic? Where were the mirrors?! I thought the greasy, poser who sucks on your Hoodia….lollipops was helping you plan the ultimate comeback? I wanted to see you disappear because I just know with as high as you were that you would have never found your way back to the stage. What’s worse? That little mind freak saw your performance and ran away with Tommy Lee. You just can’t trust those men that want to ride on your fame. Didn’t you learn anything from Bobby and Whitney? Their troubles were on television…single digits even. You shouldn’t have had a hard time working the buttons to find out how it played out.

I had hoped for the best. I wanted to see you succeed (no, seriously) but instead you fell flat on your face. Luckily it’s a little cushier than it used to be so you shouldn’t have bruised anything. Now that we all know the truth I figure it’s only a matter of time until you get a DUI. Seeing yourself on television should help you get there.

When you’re drowning in your vodka and you’re busy looking for a new job, look at the Paris Hilton Hallmark Card…Maybe there is a future for you at a chubby chaser chicken wing bar. Those places hire a lot and maybe when you’re sober (enough) they will be nice and let you get on stage and practice your lip synching for your next big comeback.

[tags]Britney Spears, Chubby Chasers, Chicken Wing Bar, Criss Angel, No Magic[/tags]

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